Tuesday, January 09, 2007
was super late for mice today. but thank god.. attendance was still taken and i guess i pretty much screwed up my interview. but whatever. 5%. gone means gone. just study hard for my upcoming papers..
after that was FM tut and i had a msg that surprised me and kept me smiling the entire day! (:
anyway i realise hardwork does pay off at times! (:
after the ever boring accts, stayed in school for awhile and went dwn to ps and meet carol for dinner. had subway! (: after that she acc me dwn to tpy cause she wanted to get some stuffs.
anyway msg`d him and we had a short meeting at the playground. it started not too bad. but it ended ugly. a ugly scene again. guess i have no one to blame. i know its me. i really really really gotta learn how to control my emotions. i hate it when my emotions are so clearly written on my face. ):
whatever.
i guess always at the moment when you`re overwhelmed with emotions you start to talk nonsense. and i guess i did that earlier on. i din mean to say anything to hurt you or whatsoever. i just said whatever that came into my mind. im sorry. again i was not thinking properly. sometimes i really hate myself for that. i cant seem to do anything right at all. urgh!
its tiring to put on a strong front and face the world each day. its difficult to smile at every single thing. but i just gotta do that. guess im just that stubborn and yes i do not like to appear weak before others. i dont want any sympathy or whatsoever. but this is my blog. if i cant show the slightest weakness of me. where do i show it? i know its ridiculous to say that my life is incomplete wout you. but that just how it is right now. tonnes and tonnes of memories. and what could i do? nothing. there`s nothing i could do. i just have to face it, push it aside and just smile as thou nothing came up in my mind.
i want to be strong before you. i dont want you to worry about me. but somehow i just cant do it. i always appear the weakest before you. guess im just liddat. i could only appear weak before ppl whom im really comfortable with and that ppl who are really close to me. maybe that says all.
i rmb`d belle once told me " you do not need to be strong before me, you could be as weak as you want. cause im here to be strong for you." and yes belle i miss you so much now. i need you to strong for me now.
like what carol said hardcore crying session. but there aint a time that is suitable for me to have it. i have school to deal with. my family, friends and yes of course tuition. i dont want puffy eyes. i cant afford to. i also cant afford to let my mind wander off. i have so much upcoming academic stuff that is driving me up the wall. i cant afford. all i can do is to push it aside. suppress it. compress it into a file. and when i finally have the time, open the file and let it all out.
i love it when ppl doubt me ; cause i`ll have a chance to prove to you that i can do it.
with that stubborn streak within me. i believe i could.
and yes to you, let me be weak just once and let everything out..
this one month has been really hell-ish for me.
so much emotional torture. rollercoaster after rollercoaster.
and i really realise how much you mean to me.
there was this quote that i came across once
"i thought i loved him ; but he has to break my heart to let me know that i really loved him"
and yes. i finally realise i really love you.
all those times shared with you, could never be replaced, will never be forgotten.
the first time i met you at mos, the following time at zouk.
and finally our first date on 24 may.
that day was really an unforgettable day for me. the movie, the late night walk home. the talks we shared. and what you told me at istana. i`ll never forget.
how you held my hand when we crossed the road. how you hugged me in the cinema when i was freezing.
thereafter, our usual chats at the playground. me looking forward to each weekend.
each time the phone beeps, i hope to see your name. each time the phone rings, i yearn to hear your voice. those were the sweet lovely days. it was really bliss and i was really happy. never felt such happiness in my entire life. every single memory i keep it close to my heart. and i hope you will not forget them too. it was our story, a love so true.
do you still rmb the cert? look thru those words. i really meant it from my heart. thru thick and thin i wanna be with you.
i used to take you for granted. every single lil action. but now i realise how much those mean to me. you tucking my hair behind my ear. you holding my hand as we walk- no matter the distance, you picking me up from my place, you buying food for me, you getting angry at me for clubbing or staying out late and so much more..
i guess its just human nature.. you will only learn to treasure things when its gone. i do hope that one day i will have one more chance to treasure you, who meant everything to me.
and yes, i`ll still stand by my believe, everything happens for a reason.
i know the situation we are in now, its not appropriate to say this, but i dont care its my blog. i can say whatever that i want!
darling i miss you plenty, each and every single day.
and i know you miss me too. but you just refuse to say it. it doesnt matter cause i know it.
and i want you to know that as each day passes without you, i`ll miss you more than yesterday and this feeling will never go away.
i will and could never love another. you`re all that i want.
so what if there are others that wants to talk to me each night, the voice i long`d to hear aint his. you should know its whose.
i love you and you know it. this love will never fade.
you`re a growing addiction i can`t deny
2:29 AM
